Actual Questions from REAL People
Q: (knowing glance) How do both of your parents FEEL about this?
A: Speaking as someone who will be a 30-year old Indian-American bride, I would have to say my parents are happy – nay, GLEEFUL – that I decided to finally buck up and commit to a lifetime of making the proverbial chapatis for a man. In my fiancé, they’ve found the closest they are going to come to having an Indian son-in-law: a smart, polite, soon-to-be-doctor who has been raised with a truly comparable education in dealing with guilt and passive aggression.
About my Jewish-American fiancé, I can’t imagine his parents are any less pleased to see us tying the knot. To be honest, they may be even more thrilled than mine because their Magic the Gathering-playing, RPG-loving, lab-t-shirt/tapered Levis/white sneaker-wearing son is marrying someone who is personable and loves real-life interactions more than anything online. Also, though I myself have been raised with an excellent education in guilt and passive aggression, I have never experienced the reality of a Jewish mother-in-law in my own family, so the power balance is already firmly in favor of his parents, right?
*WINK WINK*
I take it from the tone of the question that you were hoping for an answer filled with stereotypes and ethnic drama so here you are. This is the best I can give you. Here’s a tip: NEVER ask this question in real life. It’s presumptuous. It’s rude. And honestly, it’s really none of your business unless you are a) my best friend, or b) a sibling of mine, in which case you would already know how my parents feel. I definitely wouldn’t ask YOU this if you were getting married so do not ask me (this will prove to be a good rule).
Q: OMG! I am so excited about your wedding! I know we haven’t talked in YEARS but can I come? I’ve never been to a Hindu-Jewish wedding!
A: In these recession-verging days of higher-than-ever food and gas prices and intense competition for jobs and affordable housing, why the hell do you think my family is going to FOOT THE BILL for you and your partner to round out the Weddings Attended section of your CV with the elusive Hindu-Jewish nuptials? No, you may not come, and it’s rude to ask for an invitation to any event. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?
Q: I go to yoga every morning and we open with chants in Sanskrit. It’s such a beautiful language. Will I be able to use my chants during the Hindu ceremony?
A: Oh wow. Okay. Short answer: no. Long answer: A Hindu wedding ceremony is not an interactive event. Google it if you’d like more information. Contrary to your Judeo-Christian expectations, there are no hymnals, prayer books, or parts where the audience is invited to participate. Even if there were (which there are NOT), the commonly used parts would not be unveiled to a room full of crunchy hippies on florescent rubber mats in a YOGA CLASS. Do you hear first Corinthians recited in your spinning class? No, you most certainly do not. Get it?
Q: I just saw Monsoon Wedding and LOVED it! Will you be eating marigolds to symbolize your undying commitment to one another?
A: No. If you were paying attention to the movie, you would have seen one slightly-over-the-top-media-fantasy-but-pretty-accurate version of an upper middle class Hindu wedding. Hint: it was the PRIMARY love story in the movie and they didn’t eat marigolds at any point. The other love story, while beautiful, ended with the equivalent of an elopement, and eating marigolds was clearly meaningful to the couple but not at all symbolic of either of their cultural or religious communities. Because you obviously missed it: the housekeeper, Alice, was Christian (she wore a cross). There are approximately 100 million Christians in India, and I’m pretty sure they don’t eat marigolds as part of their wedding ceremonies either.
In answer to your follow-up question: yes, I have tried marigolds. They taste sort of like a blade of grass but a bit spicier. Why have I tried them? Well, why do you chew on grass?
Q: I know Indian weddings are really lavish. How much are your parents spending on this wedding?
A: I definitely would not ask you this so do not ask me. It’s none of your business.
Q: Well, now I’m just afraid of insulting you. What is an appropriate question for me to ask?
A: Think about questions you comfortably have asked your other (probably Christian or Jewish) friends about their weddings and go with that. I’ll be happy to tell you about my wedding attire (THREE beautiful outfits), what the wedding party is wearing, food, music, cake/sweets, and the décor. I’ll even bore you with stories about finding a photographer and getting invitations printed if you’d like.
I’ll also be happy to give you my best answers to thoughtful, respectful questions about a Hindu wedding ceremony. However, I am not a particularly religious person so there are things I may not be able to answer. This is not a sign that I am culturally confused or a self-hater. In the same way that the majority of you could not answer exhaustive questions about the nuances of a Catholic, Christian or Jewish ceremony even if you are having one, I also am unable to accurately speak to the more intricate details of a Hindu ceremony. I would encourage you to look online for resources to answer your questions.
Bottom line: it’s insulting for you to presume things about my culture and religion based on what you’ve seen in movies, television, or in your exercise classes. Also, if you’ve had one Indian-American friend with a particular experience, please don’t assume that mine is the same. I will always treat you as an individual with a unique familial, cultural and religious background, and I expect the same from you. Thank you.
